Can't you see my walls are crumbling, then she says ...

#9

Is it to much to want someone to care? I guess so.
Is it to much to want to MEAN something? I suppose so.

When you're as worthless as I am .. there's almost nothing left to lose. You know, that feeling .. If I died now, nothing would change. Nothing would be .. Damn it.

She says "Shhh .. I know it's only in my head.."

)

#7

#6

That feeling. Your heart is not beating, is racing. Your hands are shaking and so is your body. You feel like you are about to drop those goddamn scissors. But you dont and it touches your skin. And you have to do it until your heart calms down. You calm down. For a ten minutes. Then you can continue and cry yourself to sleep.

You know it?



Good night, then.

#5

I can't talk to my mom, because I can't let her know I'm not that strong.
I can't talk to my closest friend, because she's been having bad times and she wouldn't understand anyway.
I can't talk to my another close friend, because that would hurt both of us.
I can't talk to my friend from another city, because she doesnt even know I'm feeling like a shit.
I can't talk to anyone.
I have no one.
I can't tell anyone that I feel like a piece of shit.
I can't let them know I cut myself.
I can't stand this anymore.
I can't.
C
A
N
T.

The worst part ..

.. not that he/she is in relationship with whoever .. The worst part is when you know they'd be with YOU if you lived there too . You know?

It's ok not to be ok ..

Three hours ago. I just got home after pretty good days with my friend in her place. Saw my mom waiting for me. In next 5 minutes, everything got so screwed up. I did,too. Everything's wrong, once again. Like always. It's just my life. Every good thing that happens to me, is followed by - three times bigger - bad thing. And it's all over and over again.

It all makes me thinking about my life. No friends. No dad (like real dad, i mean i have a father .. but he's not my dad, he's never been), no talent, no chance to get out. Fuck off, girls my age, with your fucking boys troubles. Damn I wish I had your lifes. "Date this guy or that? Do I look that fat in these jeans?" .
And then, there's me. :
 "Mom, please stop cyring. Father doesnt worth it. Please please, stop crying."
 "I can't fail at physic exam. I cant do this school year again."
 "I will never hurt myself again." 
 "I hope I have enough money for this.."
 "I'll do it better. I will nest time, I promise."

Ok, i'm not saying I dont have "teen troubles". But just .. I dont have only them. I just wish I knew how does it feel , to have that happy life, without being scared, depressed, underestimated, messed up. You know? Get home and .. have dad to hug you. Got home, turn computer on and have at least two friends to talk to. While having tough times, have someone you can call in the middle of the night and talk to them for hour. Or at least have someone to hug you. To say "It's gonna be alright, I'm with you."

I dont have a fucking thing like this. I have amazing mom, yes, and brother. Someone doesnt even have that, I know. But I'm 17 and I just don't want to be the mess I am.

If I could, I'd go away. Run away as fast as I can. But that's the point. I CANNOT DO IT. I just cant and every day here, it's getting harder, more tough and bigger. It' killing me and making me losing my mind ..

I am freaking afraid of everything...

#1

Definiton of "blog": 
  A blog (short for weblog) is a personal online journal that is frequently updated and intended for general public consumption.


Is that clear now? I suppose. Let's just leave out the part about "general public". Unless you're famous, no one reads your blog. So it still is kinda personal.


Well, what to say? I'm gonna write just random things, because my life is no adventure. But in my mind are things bigger, better and way more interesting then you ever thougt about. 


And yes, I'm not english-speaking person, so please exuse grammar mistakes ... I'm at least trying.


Before I wrote all this, I'd made my nails with 'Peach sorbet' nailpolish. It's really summer-like and I like it, but still black remains my fav. Just in case you are inetrested.


XX Mich

(source: we <3 it)